“I have to be the chosen one” and how it sabotages most of my relationships
My upbringing has a tremendous impact on my adult relationship. It is not until now that I am emotionally mature enough to deeply recognise this and truly be brave to hold a mirror for myself.
“The most precious inheritance that parents can give their children is their own happiness. Our parents may be able to leave us money, houses, and land, but they may not be happy people. If we have happy parents, we have received the richest inheritance of all.”
How To Love, Thich Nhat Hanh
It is frustrating to acknowledge this fact while observing there are so many parents struggling to figure out the best gift for their children and give them exactly just that. It is not necessary to be grand. It is plainly simple yet not easy to achieve. That is how we treat each other with INTEGRITY, with more understanding and compassion.
I grew up in a family where mistreatment constantly happens in a thousand different ways because Asia culture reinforces the belief: women are to endure to ensure the best for the family. They say the sacrifice you make is worth for your children’s future. With whatever I have learnt and gone through, it is impossible for me to picture a bright-like-a-diamond future here. Personally I think, as a mom to our daughter(s), the best thing we can do is to teach them how to love and be loved with respect; know when to walk away even it tears us apart to a trillion pieces. As a dad to our daughter(s), the best thing we can do is to love and respect their mom the way we want our daughter(s) to be loved and respected.
The most challenging thing is: To accept and to unlearn. That is when I know I am an extremely privileged kid and well taken care of. For this reason, I should also accept other misfortunes in life, which is the emotional catastrophe. I cannot complain since I know there are kids at my age going through worse. I cannot blame anyone either since I know my parents have already done the best they could. It is like a family pattern and the domino effect continues until one member in the family willingly rebels to put a stop and breaks the chain. This is an extremely difficult task I have been running away from for 10 years. I would not dare to turn my head back, in both physical and emotional means.
I cannot blame dad for being a wild philanderer. I know where he’s coming from and also acutely aware this does not justify what he has done. As an orphanage, with literally nothing, he has no one but him to look after himself. Because of this reason, he’s just too wrapped up in his own suffering to care and be more sensitive to others’ feelings, so he bleeds the ones that never cut him. He is amazing as a solid supporter and provider. He is able to leave the entire inheritance of millions dollars behind for us. However, he terribly fails at being a husband and a dad. How can I blame him for this since no parents taught him to and life is so tough that he has more things to be concerned about than to be a good husband and a dad? He doesn’t expect anyone to understand this but I do.
Growing up seeing mom is never a chosen one, I keep telling myself that I have to be the chosen one. Dad does not choose mom and mom does not choose herself either. She loves dad and us too much to do so. Therefore, I create the situations where I can make this happen, for me to be chosen. I constantly yearn for familiar suffering by going for emotionally unavailable men despite whether I like them or not and unconsciously project my fantasy of being chosen.
I have tried so hard in every relationship that I’m in: do more of what people need and like, to make them choose me, without even caring if it’s them that I like. The feeling of being chosen weighs out fundamental things I should consider like compatibility, true feelings and genuine connection. Sometimes I even mistake the feeling of being wanted for the feeling of being loved. I am just so blindsided by the needs of the little girl inside me to be aware of this. However, the universe happens in a magical way. It knows what you deserve and what you do not. You deserve heartbreaks. You deserve meaningless sex. You deserve wonderful and awful experience. Then you deserve someone loving you unconditionally. Life teaches you the same lesson over and over again until you pass the test. Hell yeah I like being tested so bring it on!
Rejection and failed relationships make me realise that people are never the problem. I AM. Everything starts with me. What is the point of being chosen and wake up to the fact I am not attracted to that person on so many levels? Luckily, no matter how far you are on the wrong path, it is always your choice and never too late to take a turn.
Be brave and strong enough to sit still with yourself when you’re heartbroken and ask yourself what is happening internally: the issue that’s gone unaddressed. Do not expect someone to fix this for you because they cannot. Not the ones that hurt you, neither your mom nor dad. Remember that it is always uncomfortable before it gets better. The discomfort is exactly what you need to grow.
Be grateful when you’re pushed off the cliff since great things happen at the exact moment you decide to jump. So, JUMP! Trust the process when you’re kept in the dark. Love yourself enough to endure the pain of solitude. It is just temporary and I promise you will meet yourself at a much better place. On this journey of healing, have compassion for others but remember that compassion is incomplete when it does not extend to yourself!
I’m inheriting the extreme tolerance threshold and compassion from mom. I’m inheriting the steel-like mind from dad. Even though the combination of these two individuals with different constellations of beliefs, characters and baggage does not really yield a healthy emotional dynamic, I am extremely grateful for them and I know that I can do better. I am their daughter for a reason. It is my job to figure out what the reason is.
Because I know it is so tough to get the right treatment in any human relationship, I learn to appreciate the kindness from everyone and set boundaries to minimise the mistreatment. Because I know I cannot control how people love me but I get to decide how I love them, I learn to give the best rather than second chance.
I refuse to be less passionate about life just because of little bumps on the road. I refuse to tame my intensity and kindness just because I am hurt. No, I know I’m stronger than that: to be my authentic self with unwavering integrity no matter how many times life f*cks me over.
